I Wish I Could Remember

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I wish I could remember more details of my foot races. They are hours of pain, images, and exhaustion. I scan the few photos and remember snippets but not a whole story. Lines and phrases only.

Boston should have been joyous but my Opa (German grandfather) had just died, I was written up at work for going to the Boston Marathon because it wasn’t an appropiate use of my grieve time according to the school. Ironically, a couple of months later the teacher across the hall went to Disney when her dad died,  but that was appropriate.

I remember the feeling in the first Marathon in Indy. I looked at my watch and knew I would finish with a time I didn’t think was possible.

So many hours I have run. Many to escape where I was. The time gap causes more memories to be forgotten than remembered. I read back to my notebooks and blog posts and the memory is restored for a few moments and I smile…again.

Lately,  I have been having trouble running joyously. I go out and move my feet.  I am tired all the time. It is painful but in a different way. My heart isn’t in it.

My soul and my body argue on a run now and it isn’t pleasant. They are at odds.

I read the other day if you don’t have inner peace then you will never have happiness. Outside sources cannot fuel it. I believe that to be true. Outside stressors especially are wreaking havoc on my inner peace. The running used to help and now I am evaluating if it has become a stress rather than relief.

Is there something in your life that used to help you that you feel is holding you back now? I would love to hear about it.

6 thoughts on “I Wish I Could Remember

  1. “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    Sit back, relax and let it all go – that’s how it works for me!❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awww I’m so sorry to hear that running isn’t doing it for you anymore. I feel like when I get into a rut that nothing feels right. So sometimes I do something new and it kind of jogs my memory of why I love to do my normal things and I can go back to them. It’s odd but sometimes I need a break from the things I love. ❤️ Hope you can find your inner calm.

    Liked by 2 people

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